” Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever “

1 Thessalonians 4:17

When you die, where do you go? I believe we go to heaven, as a Christian if you believe and accept God as your Lord and saviour then that is your final destination after this life. But, death is something I only thought about in regard to myself, like when I die what will that be like and when will that time even come, my thoughts about death never wondered into the death of those I loved. Because I prayed that I will go first before anyone else.

So when you left me I had to confront death, never had it crossed my mind that you would die, my grandma, my perfect peace of heaven here on earth. So softly spoken and an even softer hugger, your special and like all special things you where given to us for only a while and leaving an imprint on the world forever, that is why you left on a leap day exactly 29/02/2020. I will remember you every year and celebrate you every four years, like a shooting star you came and disappeared but the experience remains in my heart forever. No one prepares you for the death of a loved one, one day you’re going about your day to day life the next your preparing a funeral procession, and your heart is heavy but filled with a sense of peace, knowing they are safe, knowing they didn’t leave in pain, knowing that they are in the best place, in heaven with God.

But STILL I find myself not believing that you are gone, I tear up thinking about your smile, your hugs that made me feel so warm, you were one of the reasons I held onto life for this long, even with all the pain and sorrow of life I still held on because I wanted to make you proud, see you smiling at my wedding with glee looking at me. I wanted you to brag about how successful I am, how I fly you out to different locations ever so often, and how much of the world you’ve seen all because of me. I guess you can still do that in heaven. But, thinking about it now all my wants for you to remain alive were selfish, for my own satisfaction, I bet all you ever wanted was to see my smile, that was good enough for you. Mama, I am smiling now. You are such a simple elegant, strong woman, I know that all my physical strength comes from you. All I want is to hug you one more time, to tell you how much I love you and drink tea and hot chocolate with you, while you hold me and sing blessings over my life in Etuno (my mum’s native language), as I nod trying to gage the meaning of your words with responses of Ami (amen).

Your spirit is still alive, and now when I feel down I will think of you holding me and your soft skin wrapped around me, keeping me safe and warm. I will see the world for us, I will be great for us and I will change the world for us. I know that while you were here quitting was never an option, giving up only meant drawing something deeper and greater to give, at 90 years old you embraced the world, you carried and gave birth to 10 beautiful children and mothered 13, you are strong, powerful, kept life in order and persisted on living a life of kindness, even when you lack you still gave and because of that I will do the same. Mama, your legacy doesn’t stop, it continues.

Ma, will be okay we will look after her, she is strong like you. We too your granchildren will be okay because your looking out for us all in heaven, say hi to God for me, greet the angels that guard all of our lives, and continue to shine your light on me. When my days are dark and cold, and when my days are bright and sunny, I will always feel warm knowing that you are looking down on me. Thank you for allowing me to experience you, your beautiful magnificent soul and spirit.